Unkindnesse
Lord, make me coy and tender to offend:
In friendship, first I think, if that agree,
Which I intend,
Unto my friends intent and end.
I would not use a friend, as I use Thee.
If any touch my friend, or his good name;
It is my honour and my love to free
His blasted fame
From the least spot or thought of blame.
I could not use a friend, as I use Thee.
My friend may spit upon my curious floore:
Would he have gold? I lend it instantly;
But let the poore,
And thou within them starve at doore.
I cannot use a friend, as I use Thee.
When that my friend pretendeth to a place,
I quit my interest, and leave it free:
But when thy grace
Sues for my heart, I thee displace,
Nor would I use a friend, as I use Thee.
Yet can a friend what thou hast done fulfill?
O write in brasse, My God upon a tree
His bloud did spill
Onely to purchase my good-will:
Yet use I not my foes, as I use thee.
…………………………
None of us like being used. That happens when someone uses us as a means to an end; that is, as a means, not an end. Respect for persons is basic in moral philosophy, teaching that the good person treats others as an end in themselves. A person is to be valued for who they are, not because of their usefulness. Utilitarianism in this negative sense treats the other person as a resource, to be valued in proportion to the contribution they make to my plans, ambitions, interests.
Herbert recognises the moral wrongness of using someone. It is the opposite of love; it is relational utilitarianism. It shows itself in ingratitude for the countless gestures of friendship and affection that have been given on the understanding that friendship is reciprocal, an exchange of goods and goodwill, mutually expensive and mutually beneficial.
To all his other close friends Herbert shows that mutuality of respect, affection and generosity. But to the one he calls Lord, not so. Considerate, deferential, generous and always making allowances for all his other friends, even for rudeness like spitting on the floor, Herbert works hard at his friendships. Except this one.
Then, as often in his poems, Herbert uses a favourite pivot word in the last stanza. Yet. Despite the neglect, ingratitude, self-interest and unkindness Herbert has shown, the truth is even at his very best as a friend he can neither match nor repay what the Lord has done for him, as his friend.
He wants it engraved on brass, a process that requires a steel stylus with a diamond tip.
My God upon a tree
His bloud did spill
Onely to purchase my good-will.
With predictable penitence, Herbert looks to the cross and Christ's passion, and the price his friend paid for no other purpose than to win Herbert's heart and devotion and faithfulness, as a friend. He treats his enemies more generously than his Lord and friend. This last stanza recalls other lines from another poet: "but O my Friend, my Friend indeed / who at my need his life did spend."
Once again Herbert compels his reader to overhear his sorrow at the spiritual deficit he has built up. And perhaps echoing in the background, Jesus' words convict him and push him towards a change of mind: "Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
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